u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
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She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
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I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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