Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
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so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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