Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
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just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
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I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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