my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
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I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
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If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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