i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
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Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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