you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize