With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
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She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
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Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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