Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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