Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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