Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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