I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
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I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
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I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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