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Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
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