You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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