her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
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when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
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IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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