some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
high people should be assigned attendants
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
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If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
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Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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