so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
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I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
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Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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