I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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