Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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