I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
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we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
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So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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