I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
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Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
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Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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