I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
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There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
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At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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