I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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