If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
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On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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