Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
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He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize