Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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