He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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