I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize