So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize