See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
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Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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