I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
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I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
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She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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