9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
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Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
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drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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