I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
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After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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