Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
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We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
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I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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