My liver just broke up with me...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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