if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
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I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
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they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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