i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize