I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
try to milk me bitch
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