I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
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Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
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Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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