i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
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Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
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Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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