if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
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She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
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Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We are all done wearing pants today
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