I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
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Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
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I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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