I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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