Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
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I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
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Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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