It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
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I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
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Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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