We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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