If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize