mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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