Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize