My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize