I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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